Being at a regular OB/GYN was so much better than dealing with the stupid clinic! That and knowing the baby was OK took A LOT of stress off and I was actually happy for a few weeks. But of course, since I didn’t have to worry about all that anymore, the fact that I was pregnant really got to sink in and I started to freak out.
Would I be a good mom? How are we going to afford to take care of a baby? I don’t have a secure enough job right now. The car is too small for a baby. How am I going to afford to go to all these doctors appointments? What if Mikel doesn’t want to keep the baby? What if he’s not as excited about all this as I am? Am I ruining his life? I am, I’m ruining his life by being pregnant. But he got me pregnant, so it’s his fault too. OMG now my dad knows I’m not a virgin! I wonder if he’s mad at me? My family is going to kill me. I hope I’m a good mom. Should I keep it? Or would it be better off without me? Maybe I should give it up for adoption? No I can’t do that if I’m going to carry it and feel everything. Maybe I’ll get an abortion? No I can’t do that either. I’m having a baby. I’m horrible for thinking about having an abortion and giving away my child to someone else. What is wrong with me?! Ugh this is so much to deal with.
Eventually I calmed down and my doubts pretty much went away. It also helped that a lot of women close to me told me what a great mother I was going to be. “Kelsey you’re going to be such a great mom—a much better mom than I was. You’ve been a little mother since you were a toddler! I remember when you were about 3 years old and I was sick. You tucked me into bed and rubbed my back and told me to get some rest and I’d feel better.” “I have no doubt in my mind you’ll be a good mom. I’m not worried about you at all. You have a good head on shoulders and carry yourself well. I honestly thought that you were a lot older than you are because of how mature you are.”
It was nice to know that everyone else believed in me even if I didn’t yet. Things were starting to look up 🙂 But I thought that the worst was over and I was clearly wrong!
I was nauseous ALL the time, exhausted even after sleeping for 12 hours, needy, whiny, uncomfortable, and soon irritated…about everything. All the time.
My PCP had taken me off of my anti-depressants/anti-anxiety medication when they found out I was pregnant. That was probably the worst thing they could have done! At first I was fine, but I gradually realized exactly why I needed to take that medication in the first place. For those of you who are or have been pregnant, you know that you naturally get irritable. Well, being off my medication it was that normal irritability times like 10. Horrible. Literally, I wouldn’t be able to be around me and I’m dead serious about that.
But on top of ALL that irritation, I also have to deal with random anxiety attacks, bad depression, and someone who is constantly around me that brings out all of these horrible things. His name is Matthew.
princelesslife 